I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
