I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
