The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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