Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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