Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
