i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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