im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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