Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
