It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
