I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
