I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
