well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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