i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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