I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
