im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
