youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
