I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
