Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize