Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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