last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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