You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
