I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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