he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
