for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
