I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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