guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
