On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
