i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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