new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't deserve a penis
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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