Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
