I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
