last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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