Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.