this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.