apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records