Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.