he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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