It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
