Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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