How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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