Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
