Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
