got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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