I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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