Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
