The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
