a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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