I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
