Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
