I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
