Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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