I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
