Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Sober January is a disaster.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
