sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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