When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
