I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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