her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
