She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
