Need sex. Gaining weight.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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