I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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