I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
